The post about not posting

            A friend asked me recently if I was still writing on my blog. It made me a bit sad when I had to answer no. I actually enjoy writing but with the holidays, work, and school I just have not had the time to write. Things really have not changed much since my last post. I am still at about the same weight that I was in August. I had my one year appointment and all is well. They were happy with where I am with my weight loss even with the plateau. I have an appointment next week to meet with my surgeon to discuss the next step in my weight loss journey. We are going to go over options for another surgery. I had the bariatric sleeve and the next option is to either have a gastric bypass or the duodenal switch. I am not 100% sure what the second choice entails but I suppose that is the reason for the consult!

               I have plans for 2015. I feel like I had a great 2014 and want to exceed that! I lost 160lbs, I went on a cruise and got to enjoy it, I got to go to Vegas….and enjoy it, made a trip back to Kansas, got a new job I love, and got back in touch with a great friend. Those are all great things but I want to do more. By having this next surgery I am going to be able to finally hit my goal weight. I want to go to Cali and learn to surf. This may be a challenge since I have a weird fear of the ocean…..or maybe it’s just sharks and jellyfish. I want to learn how to snowboard, not ski, and snowboard. I want to go to Disneyland and ride every ride possible. I want to go on a date and enjoy myself. I want to go to Vegas and go dancing.

               There is a long list of things that I want to accomplish and experience. I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things on my list without the support system that I have. My family and friends couldn’t be more supportive and I have people who want to do these things with me. I just have to get through the next couple of months and hope that the surgery can be done soon and that I don’t have to wait too long to get it done. Work is being very accommodating and working around the time that I need off for recovery. The surgery should help with work as well. I will have more energy and lighter on my feet. I have hopes of being able to run my own store sometime in the next year. The healthier I am the better I can do my job. I am ready to start working out again. Now that the holidays have passed I am able to get back to normal and not work such crazy hours.

               Fingers crossed that my appointment goes well and that I can get the ball rolling on this second surgery. Bring it on 2015!!!

The post about standstills

It’s been a while….but I am back! So, some updates. Things have changed a bit since my last post. I no longer work for Verizon. Instead I am back at Bath and Body Works doing what I love. I get to interact face to face with people again. I get to feel like I am doing something worthwhile. I was originally hired on as a shift leader but was offered the assistant manager job not longer after. Due to where I was offered a job I did have to leave my apartment because the drive would have been too much and I am without a car. The good thing about it all is that I am close to my family again instead of being about 45 minutes away from everyone. So I’ve relocated and started a new and better job.

Now about the weight loss. I have lost a total 146 pounds in almost 8 months. I have, however, hit a standstill. I have been at my current weight for the last month or so. They warned us before surgery that everyone has these times. We were told that while the weight loss may stop for periods of time, our bodies are trying to catch up and may still lose inches around. While I know all of this, it doesn’t make the waiting any easier.

I’d be lying if I said I had never eaten something that was supposed to be off limits after surgery. But I do feel that I have done pretty good considering what I have heard others say they have eaten. I wasn’t ready for the cravings to come back. I wasn’t ready for food to start tasting good again. Those are two things that I have to fight on a daily basis. I keep trying to remind myself that it is all worth it. I’m starting to like the way I look again and starting to feel like myself again. Two things I never thought would happen.

My family goes on a cruise in about a month and I am very excited about it. I should be able to actually do things and be active. The last two cruises I was too heavy to really enjoy myself. I plan on doing a big cruise post once we get back with pictures and all!

The post about my 2nd surgery

I never imagined that I would be going in for yet another surgery less than 4 months after the first one. I was aware in the beginning that problems with my gallbladder were a possibility, but after I started feeling good again it totally slipped my mind. That is why when I woke up at 4:30 am on Wednesday with a horrible pain in my stomach and right side, I was totally thrown off guard. I had no idea where the gallbladder was located and was racking my brain to figure out what could be going on. I waited for about an hour for the pain to go away and for my mom to get up for work then called her to try and decide if I should go to the ER or not. 

Honestly if I hadn’t had the gastric sleeve, I would have just stayed home in pain, in bed. I finally drove myself to the ER and had blood work and an ultrasound done. Turns out I had gallstones, again really not sure what the heck they were or how they go there (seems I lost so much weight so quickly that they decided to hang out in my gallbladder). The ER doctor wanted to admit me that day and just remove the silly organ but since I had been a bariatric patient they had to go through my surgeon. They made me a doctors appointment the next day and said that I would be going in on Tuesday (4/15). They didn’t know the time yet so they sent me home and said they would call. Now all I can think about is that I have to have surgery again. 

I’m trying to focus on the positives and not the negatives. As of my appointment on Thursday I am down 95 pounds in less than 4 months. Due to being sick on Wednesday and having surgery this Tuesday I get some time off work. I have enough time to get my house in order and get caught up on my homework. I get to spend some time with friends that I don’t normally get to see due to scheduling conflicts. I get to see my family a bit more than normal because I have free time to drive out to where they live. I’m all about trying to stay positive, it is hard at times but I still think the surgery is the best thing I have ever done!

The post about giving away clothes

When it comes to clothes, I have always been very picky and like to hang onto what I have for as long as possible mainly because I hate clothes shopping. I have to admit, despite being a “big girl” I do have some very cute clothes. I have become attached to them. I started cleaning out my closet today so that I could have some clothes to donate to a clothing exchange at the hospital where I had my surgery done, and I came across several items that I was having a very hard time putting in the bin! It took me a while to figure out why I was getting so upset at the thought of them going to someone else. They were the clothes that made me feel good about myself. When I was wearing this shirt or that shirt I didn’t feel like a complete and total blob. To overcome the attachment I went ahead and tried them back on and I was a bit shocked. I looked horrible in them! They had become too big and somewhere along the lines in the last three months I missed my chance to wear them one more time. They had been sitting in the back of my closet because, unfortunately, I had become too big to wear them. In three months I went from being way too big to being too small. These shirts that I used to love so much now just hang on me and are almost three sizes too big for me. It should have felt good to get rid of those large sizes but instead I felt a sense of loss and remorse that my cute clothes no longer fit (plus thinking about the amount of money I spent on some of them didn’t help). It didn’t dawn on me until a bit later that, yes THOSE clothes don’t fit, but I have so many new ones that do that are much cuter AND I am not done losing weight. Soon I will be able to go out and buy anything I want because I can wear much smaller sizes where there are many more options. Going through all these changes has been difficult but I am trying to keep everything in perspective and not look at what I am giving up but look forward to what I get to take advantage of.

The post about being comfortable

I hate clothes shopping, however, I didn’t have a choice the other day. I had lost enough weight that clothes were starting to not fit very well. As luck would have it Lane Bryant was having a half off everything in the store sale. I have been cautioned not to buy too much or spend too much as I will just have to go shopping again in a couple of months. Keeping that in mind I decided to buy a couple of shirts but no pants since I have several pairs in my closet in smaller sizes.

Naturally when picking out clothes I opted for the largest size because that is what I was used to trying on. Imagine my surprise when they didn’t fit, they were too big!!! I can’t even begin to describe how I felt standing there in the dressing room with baggy clothes on. For the first time in as long as I can remember I had to ask the sales lady to get me the next size smaller. The smaller shirt fit just right, exactly how a shirt should fit. Not too baggy, not too tight but fitted enough that it looks like I had an actual body with curves that are starting to emerge.

I got so excited I went a little overboard (surprise, surprise). I did keep in mind the way my body was shrinking and bought a couple of shirts in an even smaller size. That way I would have some shirts for a couple of months from now. Skip forward to today. Got up early and went to workout with the trainer at work. After my workout I decided to weigh and see where the scales hit.

I was very excited after my two month appointment about a week or so ago when I weighed in and was under 350 pounds. This meant that I could weigh at work and didn’t have to make a trip once a week to Scottsdale to use their scales. As of today I am officially down 60 pounds from day of surgery. That amount of weight loss has always seemed unattainable. I never thought I would be able to drop that much weight….ever. I felt so good today I even took a picture. Not only did I take a picture but I took a full length one. For anyone who knows me, that is a huge deal.

 

I have always run from a camera. If there are pictures going on I always try to be the one taking them, not the one being photographed. That is one of the things I am trying to work on as I get more comfortable. I want to be able to document exciting things and pictures help remember everything. I am feeling better about the way I look and I want to try to share that with everyone.

The post about today’s weigh-in

I haven’t weighed myself in two weeks. Normally someone who is dropping weight like I am is ready to weigh themselves every, single day. Not me. I was terrified to step on the scale before support group this evening. After last times weigh-in, where I saw that the number had gone up instead of down, I was almost in tears this week in fear that the scale would continue the trend of the last time. I don’t feel like I have lost any weight in the last two weeks and when I stand in front of the mirror I don’t really see any changes.

                Lucky for me I had my mom with me for support and she assured me that the number would be much better than the last time. I should know by now that mommies are always right….even at my age. I took off my shoes and stepped up on the cold metal platform and closed my eyes. The scale beeped and I opened my eyes. It takes a few moments to find out what the verdict is because the scales use kilograms and has to be converted to pounds using a handy dandy chart they have sitting right next to it. Much to my relief I was down 17 lbs from my last weigh in; bringing my total weight loss in these last six and a half weeks to 45 lbs.

                I know I should have been happy with the loss but I was still 9 lbs away from what I was hoping to be at this point. I had to take a step back and rethink what I had already accomplished. I didn’t agree with my mom right away but she was right, 45 lbs in 6 ½ weeks is nothing to sneeze at. That, for me, is a huge accomplishment. I have never lost that much before, let alone in that time frame. All this was accomplished without really committing to exercising. If I woke my butt up on time every day then I could go to the gym and do my walking. Just thinking about how much faster I could lose weight is motivation enough for me at this point!!!

The post about old habits

It’s called self destructive behavior or self sabotage. I know who I used to be and I don’t want to be that person anymore. Take being lazy for instance, I used to have absolutely no energy to do anything and I didn’t fight it. Now that I need to be walking every day I find myself slipping backwards and putting it off or just not doing it. Sleeping used to be my second love, next to food. On doctors orders I am not supposed to be getting more than eight hours a night. I find that I stay up later and later which causes me to get up later and later. Unfortunately the later I get up in the morning/afternoon the less time I have to get things done before work or on my days off.

It is so hard for me to get up in the morning when my alarm goes off and not hit the snooze button 15 times! My walking has not been happening the last few days because I have too hard a time making myself get out of bed. It comes down to will power. That’s something that I have always been a bit short on, which may have contributed to how my weight got so out of control….possibly. My hope in continuing with my blog is that it will hold me accountable to the things that I am supposed to be doing.

For me the walking is boring and it always has been, again why it was never high on my priorities and ignored. I am chomping at the bit to get the release from my doctor to do more than that. I still have three weeks until that will happen. Three weeks? That shouldn’t be too bad.

I have one more week until my next weigh in and I am dreading it. With the lack of walking and the days that I can’t eat, I am terrified that I will have not lost any weight at all or worse, gained some back. If I could just get myself on a schedule then I think I can get everything under control. The lack of control bothers me. I like being the one in charge and when I can’t control something, I find something else that I can control and that doesn’t always work out for me. 

The post about my list

After my post about the setback I had, I wanted to put down all the things that I am going to use for motivation!  

1. Go to Disneyland
2. Go to Las Vegas
3. Hike up a mountain
4. Do a 5k
5. Ride a bike
6. Go on a cruise and take part in activities
7. Be able to ride roller coasters again
8. Fly without getting “those” looks
9. Learn to surf
10. Be comfortable in my own skin
11. Play softball
12. Play volleyball

This is in no way the entire list but these are some of the ones that I think about all the time. I used to play sports and I didn’t realize I missed them until I could no longer do them. The more sedate my life became the more I started to think about all the things I wanted to do but couldn’t. My family has a cruise planned in September and I am bound and determined to be at a weight that allows me to be able to do whatever I want to do. There have been things on past cruises that I’ve had to sit out on because I wasn’t physically able to do them. This cruise is going to be different!

 

 

The post about setbacks

 

                One of the hardest things to deal with after surgery is the “setbacks.” Today I weighed in and instead of losing any weight I have actually gained a pound back. Now I have no idea if I have gained muscle mass back and lost fat mass or if my body is holding onto all the water and what little food I put into it. I will admit this week has been super difficult. I have had issues with being dehydrated and a couple days where I couldn’t keep any food down and didn’t want any food.

                I thank God everyday that I have my mom. She is so supportive and knows what to say to me to help keep me on track. I text her and called her after I had weighed in. She reminded me of the rough week that I had and how all these things added together could be the reason for my slide backwards. It can be so frustrating on the new journey when things do not go the way you expect them to. I have been going to support group as often as I can with my mom, and I hear every time about someone who is on a plateau or has gained a pound or two back. I never expected that to be me at a month out from surgery.

                With the lack of liquid and water comes the lack of drive to do much of anything. I walked three days last week and that was about it. The gym at work isn’t open on the weekends and it is just too far to drive on my two days off for a workout. I decided today to join another gym that I can use Saturday thru Tuesday. I have been a member of a gym before and it was expensive. The monthly fees I am going to be paying are actually going to be cheaper than a single gym back home. Right now it is all about getting into a routine and sticking to that routine.

                Going back to work has had a lot to do with the issues that I have been having. I spent three weeks focusing on me and getting better. When I went back to work that took eight hours of my day that I got used to having as my own. It is hard to work my meals out right so that I can be done eating before 7pm. I only have a thirty minute lunch and I am supposed to use twenty of that to eat. That does not leave much time for my stomach to settle down before I have to be back on the phones in a stressful environment. I have a meeting with HR in the morning to discuss what options I have to make things a bit easier for me until I can get past this phase and heal completely. Hopefully something can be worked out!

The post about exercise

                I am like millions of Americans, I hate exercise. I don’t know if it was my weight or just the fact that I found it so boring most of the time. It took me a very long time to find that I love dancing. I’ve never been able to do much of it but when I could it was some of the most fun that I’ve ever had. Back in High School a swing dance instructor came to our youth group and gave us the basic lesson. Several of us decided that we wanted to continue.  We only took a few lessons and I wanted to participate more fully but I always held back because I felt uncomfortable due to my size. After a few lessons that was the end of that. A little over a year ago I discovered Zumba. One class and I was in love. Sadly I was only able to take three or four classes before I was no longer able to do that either. My weight proved to be the issue holding me back yet again. This time it wasn’t a mental thing but an actual physical thing. My weight was causing issues with my left knee. Zumba is high energy, lots of moving, and twisting…my knee was having none of that.

                Then along came 2010. I was working at a high stress, highly physical job and I slipped a disk in my back (although I didn’t know I had actually done real harm until a few years later.) With the back injury came a more sedentary life. I slowly started not being able to walk as far without severe back pain. Standing up for an eight hour work day was impossible. All exercise was out of the question. Staying at home more lead to eating more when I was bored. It was a crazy harmful cycle. The more weight I gained, the more pain I was in with my back. Finally in 2012 I went to the doctor for help with the pain and that was when I was told about the slipped disk. I got prescribed Lortabs for the pain and had to take them anytime I was going to be doing a lot of walking.

                Skip to last week. I had stalled a bit on my weight loss and had only lost half a pound in one week. It was frustrating because the three weeks before I had lost ten pounds each week. I was determined to up my physical activity. So I joined the gym at my work. I walked a mile the first day without stopping and with no pain medication. I was so excited. Yes, I did not walk a super fast pace but I walked a steady one. Day two I walked 1.75 miles and day three I walked an entire 2 miles. For me this was a huge accomplishment because I still have my back injury and that may never go away. However the more I lose the less pressure there is on my back which means that I have to actually take pain medicine less and less. The only thing about the gym at work is that it is closed on the weekends, so Saturday and Sunday I don’t do quite as much walking. I am just trying to wait patiently until my two month doctor’s visit when they are supposed to release me to do more than just walking. I can’t wait to do Zumba, Yoga, Swing Dancing, Ballroom Dancing, Salsa Dancing, Hiking, Weight Lifting, and anything else fun I can get involved in!!!